San francisco restaurants

One Star Yelp Reviews of Five Star Restaurants in San Francisco | by Sam DiSalvo

“I think I have to give it a no dawg.”

Photo via Dean C./Yelp

In this big city we live in, we have access to some of the most expensive dining options. From $325 tasting menus to $43 martinis inspired by our beloved Karl the Fog, we have the luxury of spending our rent on a meal if we really care. Unfortunately, some of these so-called service people don’t realize how lucky they are to serve us. I dug up some of the greatest atrocities committed against some of San Francisco’s best and laid them out here. I hope some of these Michelin men and women learn a thing or two about how to treat and respect the wealthy.

Gary Danko

Photo via Tiffany P./Yelp

You know, when you get such bad restaurant service, you have to butcher classic literary quotes? Damn, who needs bad food? I feel inspired: The worst $120+ this guy has ever spent was the night he missed the Grammys in San Francisco.

Akiko’s Restaurant

Photo via Akiko Restaurant/Yelp

What an avant-garde: a call for justice disguised as a restaurant review. It’s telling that our city’s “using the street as a bathroom” problem can be partly blamed on high-end sushi restaurants’ lack of sympathy for menstruation. Next time I have sake, I’ll pour some for this woman’s fate and the harrowing journey her boyfriend has taken to a dark door.


Photo via Elvis M./Yelp

I would also lose my appetite for panna cotta if my child was censorship. How is my son supposed to express that he doesn’t want to have any communication with his family if he can’t do so at a moderate volume in a noisy establishment? I don’t care that the offender didn’t even work there. He ruined a moment that I could have passed peacefully without speaking to my son.


Photo via Barry E./Yelp

I hate when I forget to tell restaurants about my allergies, but they can’t tell what I’m allergic to through my eyes. It’s especially annoying when I eat them anyway, and they don’t cover my hospital bills.

no dad

Photo via Greg G./Yelp

If Nopa could kindly replace her delicious food with rarer finds, this person would stop complaining about having such a boring Instagram.

State Bird Provisions

Photo via Dean C./Yelp

This famous critic speaks out and rewarded SBP with his famous “no dawg”. What a blow to the company. Many never recover from a “no dawg”, but we’ll be back at the end of the year.

foreign cinema

Photo via Dean C./Yelp

Alas, someone has finally made the comparison between Foreign Cinema and Popeyes. I hope this horrible bait and switch at Foreign Cinema inspired this person to suggest that big screen and surround sound are new features at Popeyes nationwide. That way, no special night will ever have to suffer from a wholesome, movie-free romance again.


Photo via Brandon Y./Yelp

This review exposed (and fell for) Yelp’s vicious circle of seduction and treachery. Don’t get sucked in; you might find yourself having ether conversations over pasta sauce.

Kokkari Estiatorio

Photo via Lisa I./Yelp

How dare you not know who this man is dining with or the fragility of his ego? Making him ask if his partner – a Business partner, too — was in your restaurant when he was, in fact, having severe diarrhea at home? Couldn’t you have sent your carrier pigeon through the sunroof of his UberX? Maybe next time you’ll know the face of Coworker with Canceled Lunch Plans when you see him!